The two presidents converse: Obama and Thein Sein



Burma's President Thein Sein whom I call 'a world class liar', with good reasons and US President Obama are reportedly meeting on 20 May. This is my imaginary conversation between the two men who answer to institutional interests of money and guns in both countries, if they were honest with themselves and each other. 

Thein Sein: you know CIA and the Pentagon were very fond of us during the Cold War. I graduated from a military academy in Burma that was modeled after West Point. Not unlike West Point our Defense Services Academy also churn out real killers and slaughterers. Your guys do the job around the globe. We do our job nation-wide.  You are global killers and torturers.  We are more locally confined.  But within our boundaries, we do a pretty good job at genocides, crime against humanity, rape, prison abuses, etc. All this is to keep our nation from disintegration.

Our Buddhism allows us to kill our enemies with love and kindness, even when our guys are blowing things up and torching communities. We mean no harm, or harbour ill-will towards anyone whom we kill, rape or maim. We just want them to disappear and leave us alone. It's called killing with Metta.

Obama: I know, Mr U Thein Sein. I totally appreciate your sincerity and honesty as a statesman. We call all military-related killing 'collateral damage'.

During those dark years of 1988-2011, my predecessors got carried away with their Cold War Triumphalism, talking about spreading democracy, freedom, blah blah blah - that was what got us into this sanctions business. We are going to unroll all the sanctions measures, don't you worry.

Of all reconciliations reconciliation among ruling elites is the most important. We have that already.

We have a common objective - to make the safe for the rich and the powerful. You have cronies in your country who help manage your portfolio. We call them CEOs here. They are the jewels who look after the wealth of our nation! In Banks and Wall Street, we trust! I am only half-joking.

I know your PR and speeches are getting better as a result of the Burmese trained in our fine American universities. You sure know the value of American education when you surround yourself with finely educated Burmese advisers.

A piece of advice, if you don't mind.

Can you please not let slaughter and wars happen while you are out of Burma, dining and wining with me and my men?

Thein Sein: Thank you, Mr Obama. I looked into your eyes. I saw your soul - soul of a man who is sincere about promoting the wealth and might of the military-industrial complex. Good for you! We in Naypyidaw are also keen to marry our military might with international capital, especially US capital and technical know-how.

We have so much in common. I almost won Nobel Peace award last year. You won the award deservingly, without doing anything, but for saying all the right things, a kind of like the case of our "Sister Suu", your fellow Nobel.

Unfortunately, Norwegians are not that bold beyond pouring some millions into one of our proxies which we call "Myanmar Peace Center", unlike the men and women of the ICG. The ICG with a strong vision for turning war zones into exploitable communities, didn't give a damn about our slaughter of the Kachins, rape of the Karens, the state-orchestrated mass violence against the Muslims, the firebombing of the Buddhist monks or the ethnic cleansing of the Rohingya. The ICG see things rather objectively and decided that I was their "In Pursuit of Peace" recipient. May Buddha bless them!

Even George Soros, that schizophrenic money speculator-cum-philosopher-wanna-be-philanthropist who spent millions trying to help overthrow our military rule has become enlightened about his own mistakes. Dissidents are a bunch of losers, he has realized. Now Soros is betting on us, and put together a consortium of telecom companies including China with its brand of "open society". He was very kind to buy a table for $100,000 at my ICG award gala dinner.

There in New York, my man Khin Yi, former police chief and now immigration czar, stuck to our Naypyidaw principle when it comes to citizenship. We are genuine about our Nazi-principle of racial purity. We are committed to keeping Burma under the Nazi-like climate for sometimes to come.


Obama: I hear you, U Thein Sein. I have a lot of admiration for you and your men.   You are a good Nazi.  We had dealings with Hitler's men before the war, especially the Wall Street, the General Electric, etc.  You lie as effectively as I do. I told you we have a lot more common between us.     Don't worry about the Human Rights Watch calling you 'ethnic cleansers' or 'criminals against humanity'.    I instructed my point man in Yangon to raise strong objection to this type of slanders.  I think he told the Human Rights Watch that they have "gone too far this time".   If they are giving you a hard time on this just let new buddy Soros know.  He just have them about $100 million as endowment.  Besides drones, money can buy cooperation and silence.  UNHCR is already very cooperative.  They will keep to our script:  'communal violence'.

But again who are we to lecture you NOT to commit ethnic cleansing anyway?

As the greatest nation on earth - built as 'city upon the hill' by white colonial settlers - we in the USA have our own skeletons in the closet, millions actually. Think of 200 years of slavery of my ancestors, genocide of those 'red Indians', ethnic cleansing jobs we have been involved around the world - like Guatemala. We have over 1,000 military bases around the world to defend freedom and open society from all kinds of enemies. We imagine new enemies when the old ones such as the USSR are gone. Plus we have not had a gap year of wars since 1776.

I myself keep a 'kill-list' on my desk in the Oval Office - as the bleeding heart liberal editors at the New Yorker call it, ha ha ha.

The mission of safeguarding national security requires that we kill, and kill ruthlessly. It's more important not to let a guilty terrorist live than to ensure 100 innocent civilians be safe from our drone attacks. I am sure with your successful Four Cuts against Burma's ethnic and communist enemies you understand the need to kill.

Incidentally, I have been briefed that you might be interested in some military hardware from our world class arms industry. We can talk about that for sure - now that Daw Aung San Suu Kyi supports and collaborates fully with you and your government we have no qualms about helping upgrade your Armed Forces. The Pentagon is already in direct communication with your Tatmadaw. How is that Darling doing, incidentally?

I know my background as a community organizer in Chicago didn't really qualify me to discuss the type of military hardware you need. You were a 5th ranking general in the retired Senior General Than Shwe's General Staff. You know more about these toys then I do. But let me tell you this emphatically. Do try our drones. They are getting better and better - I mean incomparably better than anything you would get from your Chinese partners. You know best how low Made-in-China hardwares are - they cheated you a big time with their $2 billion sales when we stopped supplying you with the good ones.

No, seriously. You really must try our Drones. I am having fun with them on a regular basis. We have loads to share with you at a reasonable price. Talk to the Norwegians. They supply computer software for some of our most sophisticated system.

Anyway, drink your tea. It's getting cold.

Let's hope we meet again at the Peace Pursuers' annual reunion either in New York or Oslo.

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